


Rooftop

by padfootagain



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Romantic Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 12:50:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16954365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: A lonely night on the rooftops of Hogwarts under the snow with Sirius is about to change your relationship…





	Rooftop

**Author's Note:**

> A wintery little thing. I hope you like it!

Sirius stared at the grounds covered in snow. His eyes roamed upon the grass to the shores of the frozen lake, until they drifted further over the Forbidden Forest, and found the trembling light of Hagrid’s hut in the shadows of the night. His grey eyes climbed up towards the heavens, where they caught the ghost of the moon almost full, and a few shy stars amongst all the dark clouds that drifted away through the night, heading towards the tall mountains in the horizon.

He could feel that it was about to snow.

The wind was cold and sharp against his cheekbones. Under his thighs, the roof was frozen but he didn’t mind the cold, it was preventing him to fall asleep, it kept his senses in alert. Although there was no sound to be heard. The world was asleep. Peaceful.

Perhaps only the calm before the storm.

He took a look at the Marauders Map again, and his gaze settled upon your name. You were downstairs, in the Common Room. You were alone, probably working. A small smile appeared on his lips at the thought that you were always working way too much. You needed to relax, lighten the weight you were setting upon your own shoulders. You were brilliant anyway…

Perhaps it was why you had accepted this date with the Ravenclaw Seeker.

Sirius kept staring at the little dots on the parchment for a while. He had told you he would come tonight to help you with your Transfiguration essay. But he couldn’t. He didn’t have the strength to see you. Not now, not after the conversation he had overheard in the corridor that evening as he walked back to the Gryffindor Tower. You had accepted to go to Hogsmeade with this guy. He was calm, and serious, and organized, and planned every damn thing, and was never late, he was so well behaved, and he had a perfectly normal family…

He was Sirius’s perfect opposite, and that was probably why you had chosen him.

Sirius’s feelings for you had not come suddenly. You had been friends since your first year here at Hogwarts, but as you both grew up his way to see you slowly changed. He started to love all these little things that made you be _you._ He had fallen for your shy smile first, the one you gave him every time he complimented you. He had fallen for your way to switch your weight from one leg to the other when you were thinking. The way you laughed so brightly. The way your eyes sparkled. The way you bit your lower lip when you were nervous. The way you fell asleep in the Common Room, still sitting on the sofa with tones of books and parchments around you. The constant stains of dark ink on your fingers because you spent your time working. Your silly jokes at 1 am….

He had fallen slowly but surely in love with you, and now you were deep under his skin.

It wasn’t like Sirius ever had hoped in the first place, though. You were too good for him. You were smart, and talented, and passionate, and kind, and generous and so… so beautiful, inside and out. You were perfect. You were everything he had always longed for in a relationship : low hushed whispers in classes, and mad laughs in the corridors, and intelligent debates near the Lake, and races around the Pitch, and tender words in the Common Room when his family messed up with his mind… You were everything. But he had survived to such darkness that he was afraid these dark things could fall upon you if he confessed how he felt. You were too pure for him to risk to bring his sorrow too close to you. You were a whole galaxy when he was just a star lost in the night.

Sirius didn’t deserve you, and he knew it.

He had accepted the verdict a long time ago. He had smiled, and made pranks, and laughed and acted as if nothing was wrong between the two of you. He had tried to forget you by throwing himself into other girls’ arms. He had tried to forget you by drinking entire bottles of firewhiskey. He had tried to forget you by smoking, hoping that an addiction to nicotine would replace this addiction he had for you.

Nothing had worked, and he still thought about you every night when he fell asleep, and every morning when he woke up.

Your face was painted everywhere. You were the answer to all the questions he had been asking himself all his life. Why did he stand up every morning and get out of bed when the world around him was completely fucked up? Why did he try to save his soul when he had suffered so much? Why did he keep on fighting? Why did he live at all?

You were the answer to all those questions.

He wanted to stand up in the morning to see your face in real and not just upon his closed eyelids. He wanted to save himself to keep being with you, he had this crazy hope that if he tried hard enough, perhaps he would deserve you one day. He kept on fighting against his family, against Voldemort, against _himself_ , because he was scared something could happen to you.

He lived for your smile and your mischievous eyes.

He had never spoken a word about this to anyone. Not even James and Remus knew about his feelings for you. After all, Sirius had become good at hiding his feelings. Question of survival at Grimmauld Place.

But you had never dated anyone before.

You were careful when it came to your heart. You weren’t interested in one-night stands, you wanted the real thing. You wanted fireworks and butterflies and shivers… You wanted love. And now, you were dating a Ravenclaw.

Sirius was so scared you could be in love with this Seeker.

Sirius knew he had no right to be jealous, and yet he couldn’t help it. He knew he was nothing but a friend to you. And yet… yet now that he could lose you forever, now that you risked to slip between his fingers, he didn’t want to lose you without a fight. He wanted to tell you everything. He wanted to tell you how much you meant to him, how much he loved you, that he could have done anything for you. But this little voice in his head kept on telling him that you would never see anything in him but a best friend.

If only he knew…

When he looked down at the map again he was confused not to find your name in the Common Room. He searched for your labeled dots across the parchment, until…

“What are you doing up here?”

He turned towards you. You had opened the window behind him that led on this little piece of roof he was sitting on. You were just wearing your pyjamas, looking at him with eyes full of curiosity and lips slightly parted in expectation for his answer.

His heart skipped a beat.

“You were supposed to come down and help me,” you went on. “Don’t tell me that my company is worth less than freezing to death on a lonely rooftop.”

Sirius laughed, shaking his head.

“I just needed some fresh air,” he answered elusively.

“Is there something wrong?” you asked.

But before he could answer, you had walked back inside the Castle.

“Wait a sec’!” you ordered, hurrying down the stairs.

Sirius followed your trace on the Map, as you ran back to the Common Room, before climbing up the girls’ staircase. You quickly walked back to the Common Room again, and he turned towards the window to see you coming back to him.

He smiled at the sight of you now wearing high boots and a long and warm coat.

“Now, it’s gonna be much better,” you smiled, and you walked out of the stairs and onto the roof.

“Watch out,” Sirius breathed, holding your arm to make sure that you wouldn’t slip and fall down.

You sat down next to him, thanking him.

“So? What are you doing up here?” you asked again.

“Nothing in particular,” he answered, shrugging.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“You have these sad eyes you only have when something terrible happens. Is it your family?”

He shook his head, trying to force a smile. But he failed.

“I’m just… not in the mood for working,” he breathed.

You finally noticed the Map that was still splayed on his laps.

“You were looking for someone?” you asked.

He didn’t answer.

And you took his silence for a yes.

“Was it a girl?”

Again the boy by your side remained silent, and you nodded slowly.

You really did try to make your voice sound like it wasn’t bitter at all, but you failed miserably.

“Is it the Hufflepuff you were talking about this morning?”

But he shook his head.

“I was looking at you,” he said softly, his voice barely audible above the wind.

You frowned hard.

“Why? You knew where I was,” you said.

“Sometimes I look at your name on the Map,” he said softly, his voice caught by the wind and almost torn into pieces by the cold, but it reached your ears anyway. “It feels a bit like looking at you in real.”

He had never spoken like this to you. It felt strange. He was always the first to joke, always friendly to you, but that was the problem. He was _friendly_. And Merlin knew you felt so much more for him than friendship but you knew you would never have him. You had no idea what game he was playing at with all these flings of his, but you knew you didn’t belong in that game.

So you just shut your mouth whenever he talked about other girls and you faked a smile, hoping he wouldn’t notice that he was breaking your heart a bit more every single time.

It was like a crazy game where he would break your heart in little fragments and take them away one by one, and when you thought he couldn’t possibly break it any more, he always found a way to do so. It was toxic, this love you had for him that you thought he didn’t share. And you had tried with this Ravenclaw to think about someone else at night than him. You just hoped that replacing your dreams by someone real would make you forget him. Although, you knew you loved him too much to be able to live without him by your side, even if he was just a friend.

Merlin, you knew how much you were pathetic and still…

“Why… why would you do that?” you asked softly. “I was waiting for you anyway.”

He closed the Map and put it back in his pocket, shrugging.

“Sirius… What’s wrong?” you insisted.

But he shook his head, before setting his intense gaze upon you, and when he spoke again, his voice was casual.

He was dying to tell you the truth, to just let it all out… But he was so scared to do so…

“So? Were you about to tell me about this date of yours?”

You raised an eyebrow.

“How do you know about that?” you asked back.

“I heard you,” he answered. “That’s the problem with having conversations in corridors, anyone passing by can hear you.”

“There’s nothing to say really,” you answered, playing with the button of your coat. “He’s taking me to Hogsmeade, that’s all.”

“But you’ve waited for so long to have your first date. I’ve lost count of guys you pushed away. I thought you were waiting for someone special. You must… like this guy very much.”

But you shrugged, bringing your knees up to your chin and wrapping your arms around them.

“He’s rather kind,” you answered. “And he seems to like me.”

Sirius frowned, taken aback.

“Wait… you mean that after all this time… you’ve just accepted to date a guy because he seems to like you? All the guys who asked you for a date liked you, Y/N. Why choose _him_?”

Your eyes were lost through the night, lazily drifting across the treetops of the Forbidden Forest.

And you were tired of lying. Perhaps you were tired of this toxic relationship… perhaps you didn’t really want to go to this date with the Ravenclaw boy…

“Maybe I was waiting for someone in particular,” you breathed. “But I’ve realized that he’s never going to see in me what I see in him.”

You seemed so sad all of a sudden. Sirius wanted to kill the boy who was making you feel so miserable.

Although… the thought that you loved someone else was breaking his heart.

“Hey… don’t be sad,” he said, stroking your back. “You’ll know many men, I’m sure you’ll find the right one, instead of a moron who can’t see how lucky he is to have you by his side.”

You gave him a sad smile.

“I guess you’re right.”

“So… now give me the real reason why you chose this guy.”

“He just seems to be nice, and I want to move on, that’s all.”

“You could have much better than a very boring Ravenclaw though.”

“Ravenclaws aren’t boring,” you protested. “My best friend is a Ravenclaw.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I thought _I_ was your best friend,” he replied.

You rolled your eyes.

“My other best friend,” you smiled.

“Now, I never said that Ravenclaws were boring but this guy _is_ boring.”

“Maybe a bit…” you admitted.

“You could have so much better.”

“Like who? You?”

He clenched his jaw, and you knew you had somehow hit something painful without intending to do so.

“We both know I’m not good enough for you,” he said slowly, his voice colder now.

“Don’t say things like that about yourself.”

He smiled.

“You’ve always seen the best part of me.”

“You just have a tendency to give too much importance to the darker part of you, that’s all.”

“Anyway, I don’t think you should date this guy.”

“I’m afraid I’m the one who has to decide…”

“You’ve pushed so many guys away, you can’t have your first experience with _him._ ”

“It’s none of your business anyway,” you breathed.

“Well, I’m your best friend, I reckon it is my business,” he protested.

You stared at him, but your eyes were soft and sad.

“I don’t tell you anything about all these girls you date,” you replied.

“I thought you didn’t care about that.”

“Well, maybe I do care.”

“Does it bother you?”

“I don’t see the point in dating someone for nothing more than a fling.”

He looked away.

You felt a snowflake fall on your hand, the ice softly burning your skin.

“Perhaps you’re not the only one here who’s trying to forget someone,” he answered slowly.

You frowned, opening your mouth to speak, but he interrupted you before any sound could escape your throat.

“Anyway, you could have told me it bothered you. Just like I’m telling you that you dating someone like that bothers me.”

“Why do you make such a fuss about this?”

“I happen to care about you, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

He was raising his voice, and his tone was angrier and angrier every second.

“Sirius…”

“You could have so much better!”

“It’s my decision…”

“You can’t date this guy!”

“Stop shouting.”

He froze, noticing his tone. He heaved a deep sigh, calming down.

“What about this guy you like so much?” he asked. “Who is it?”

But you shook your head, refusing to tell him. How could you tell him he was the one you were trying to forget?

“Come on tell me who it is,” he insisted.

You looked at him, but remained silent.

“Why don’t you want to tell me?” he asked, his tone soft again.

You merely shrugged in response.

“Come on, tell me. I’ll go punch him in the face if you want,” he joked.

But you didn’t smile. You swept a tear away from your eyes. Perhaps it was the right time to tell him. Perhaps if you really wanted to move on, you needed to distance yourself from him. And that was the best way to lose him.

“You can’t punch yourself, Sirius,” you replied.

You both remained motionless, silent, merely staring at each other.

He couldn’t believe that you meant what you had just confessed…

“You’d be surprised,” he said, and you gave him a sad smile, looking at the cold night again.

He kept staring at you, looking at the snowflakes as they got caught in your hair.

And he knew what he was about to do was probably selfish, but he couldn’t help it. He had to try and he knew that by doing so, he would probably have to admit everything. He knew there was an important risk that you would push him away, and that he would definitely lose you. But after all, there was a chance that you could like him…

“Y/N?”

“Hmm?”

“I’d love to go to Hogsmeade with you next week.”

You looked at him again.

“What are you talking about?” you asked, shaking your head.

“I want to take you on a date to Hogsmeade,” he repeated.

“What do you think you’re doing? I’m not one of your flings…”

“How could you think for just a second that I would want you to be a fling?”

“It’s easy to imagine really,” you mumbled.

But he rested his hand on your cheek when you tried to look away again, forcing you to stare at him.

“Y/N…”

“No,” you cut him off.

“No?” he breathed.

“I don’t want to go to Hogsmeade with you.”

He could see you were about to cry. But he didn’t mean to hurt you…

“Y/N…”

“I said no.”

You stood up quickly, and advanced towards the window.

But he caught you by the arm, and stopped you.

“You don’t want to go to Hogsmeade with me?” he asked again.

“Why are you asking anyway? Because you are generously offering to sacrifice your afternoon so I wouldn’t have to date someone you find boring? How generous…”

“Because I’m in love with you.”

You stared at him. You just stood there, staring at his deep grey eyes, too shocked to move or to think.

“I never told you because… I guess I was… afraid,” he said slowly, returning your stare. “I know you’re too good for me. I’m afraid to hurt you. I’m afraid not to be good enough for you, I’m afraid you… you wouldn’t feel the same and you would just slap me in the face for being a moron and walk away and never talk to me again, when really… I love you more than words could tell.”

He shrugged.

“I thought it was best for you not to be with me. I was scared to lose you. So I just… tried to get over you. It didn’t work very well, if you want to know.”

He looked down at his feet.

“I have to admit that I could manage as long as you were single, but you going on a date with someone else is… fucking me up.”

A long silence settled between you and Sirius, the snow slowly falling upon the two of you and making the rooftops slippery.

“Could you say something?” he asked, still staring at his shoes now covered with snow.

“You love me?” you breathed, your brain still unable to realize what his words meant.

“If you don’t love me back it’s okay,” he mumbled. “I guess I shouldn’t have said that…”

“You love me?” you asked again.

He heaved a sigh, before nodding.

“I do love you,” he whispered.

He looked sheepishly at you. One of these looks you were the only one to know. He kept his shield up with the rest of the world, messing around and planning pranks… But he was so much more complex than this, and you knew it.

“I fucked up, right?” he asked. “I shouldn’t have said that. Now you won’t want to talk to me anymore…”

“You should have told me sooner,” you answered, shaking your head.

“Am I too late?”

You smiled.

“I think it would have saved us some trouble,” you said.

“Y/N?”

Somehow you weren’t angry against him. You weren’t bitter. You weren’t disappointed. You had lost so much time waiting for him, but instead of being mad at him for not telling you everything in the first place, you were just happy to have waited.

Because to you nothing mattered but him anyway. And perhaps he was a bit stupid sometimes, and perhaps he was doing lots of mistakes, but he was just a broken boy with no future before him but a world broken by war and a past that had already tried to tear his mind apart. And you knew how much the words his parents had thrown at him for years were still affecting him, how much he struggled to find anything good in himself sometimes.

And it appeared logical all of a sudden that he would want to protect the girl he loved by keeping her away from him. And now you were finding yourself regretting not to have told him how you felt.

You took a step closer to him, but you slipped upon the fresh snow, and almost fell from the roof.

But Sirius caught you in his arms just before you could fall.

“Can’t you watch your steps?” he asked, holding you against him.

His heart was beating so damn fast as he held you against his chest…

“But then you couldn’t play the hero and I know how much you love to save the day,” you teased, not letting him hold you for a bit longer.

“Next time don’t feel obliged to endanger yourself for me though, okay?”

“Well… now that you’ve kind of saved my life, I guess I don’t really have a choice,” you said with a teasing tone. “I guess I’ll have to go to Hogsmeade with you.”

He grinned.

“Good decision,” he nodded.

“Probably one that is going to get me in trouble though…”

“But I’ll always be here to get you out of it.”

Slowly, the space between your faces had shrunk, but he was scared all of a sudden…

“Are you sure it’s a good idea?” he asked slowly, his tone hesitant.

“No,” you answered earnestly. “But I’m willing to try anyway.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know you won’t, Sirius.”

“I want you to have better than me…”

I don’t think I could have that. I’m sorry…“

You looked at him with sad eyes again.

"I should have spoken first, it’s been here for so long…”

“I promise you, I’ll protect you, okay? I’ll protect you, Y/N. I always have, you know?”

“Sirius…”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up and kiss me already.”

He smiled, brushing his nose against yours and running his fingers through your hair covered with white snowflakes.

Because this little voice in his head telling him that he wasn’t good enough wasn’t louder than your own voice anymore, nor than the voice that came directly from his heart.

“Why would I do that?” he asked teasingly, a mischievous smirk on his lips.

“Because I love you, you idiot.”

His smirk turned into a tender smile, and his grey glance softened.

“I guess that’s a good argument,” he nodded.

And the next second, you were kissing under the falling snowflakes.


End file.
